June 17, 2017
Mrs L.D is back with a flash down memory lane.
There are certain guidelines I need to document here. As evidence. For future reference. “I didn’t know” will no longer be a valid excuse. No be you gimme belle?You wonder why I am friendly one moment and cranky the very next moment. I wonder too.
The fact that I craved chicken suya at 1AM 3 days ago does not mean you should buy chicken suya on your way from work everyday. My cravings have a mind of their own. Buying a year’s worth of chicken suya in advance will not exempt you from midnight trips searching for foods that can only be found at the end of seven oceans and seven seas. Heads up, I am going to crave freshly made fura da nunu at 1AM today, right after the #Halleluyahchallenge. You are not allowed to buy it in advance. Thank you.
The fact that I wanted to be left alone yesterday does not mean I don’t want to be fawned and pawned over today. Yesterday, I told you that pregnancy is not an illness or a disability, and that you didn’t need to treat me like I was going to break. I meant it. All the attention was getting to me; I found it irritating at the time. But when you passed by me in the living room to get to the toilet this afternoon, you hurt my feelings. You did not pause to look into my eyes. You did not ask how I was. I think I deserve to be pampered. I am in a delicate state, you know? Perhaps you are wondering how to tell when I want to be pampered and when I want to be left alone? I don’t know either. All the best figuring it out.
When I dress up and ask you, “how do I look?”, you should know to tread cautiously. And here is why. If you pay a compliment, I reserve the right to assume that you’re just patronizing me. And I also reserve the right to take offence. If you don’t say something nice, I am allowed to take offence, because na you spoil my figure 8. What is the best way to answer? I do not know sir.
I cannot guarantee that within these 9 months, you will not be exasperated, sometimes frustrated, sometimes angry. I cannot guarantee that you will not wish these 9 months come to a quick end so that you can have your wife back. I cannot guarantee that I will not show you pepper and be unapologetic about it. I can however guarantee that I will never stop loving you. I can guarantee that you will continually be my first and only. I can guarantee that I will not love you any less than I have loved you all these years.
But why is it taking you so long to read this letter now? Oya come and go and buy me pizza. Tell them to not add any greens o. When you leave there, stop and buy me some asun that has little pepper made from a one-eyed goat that was killed with a knife and not with a cutlass, and….
No be you gimme belle?
By Funmi Dakum
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